The Lost Year

2013 was not without its moments.  I made some great new friends.  I had some fun adventures. But as the year ended, I'm as burnt-out, depressed, and out-of-shape as I've ever been and I realized yesterday that I just couldn't see any way out of it.

I've let the stress of my job, which generally comes with a panic-level approximating an emergency room despite lives NOT hanging in the balance, ruin the past year.  I don't want to use that as an excuse. I'M the one who didn't get up and run the next morning after working late.  I'M the one who stress-ate everything in sight.  I'M the one who reached for a beer on nights on which normally I would not. I'M the one who didn't get to the gym enough when I took a few months away from running (again) to rehab my compartment syndrome. I let myself have the mindset of a victim, but I was the perpetrator all along.

So this year, I must fight.  I have to fight to get the miles in.  To get to the gym.  To eat more salads and not so many delicious burgers.  To try to make that workplace culture a better one, rather than just complaining about it.  To be a better friend and family member and a better all-around individual, and not only a great employee.

Talk is cheap.  Words on a mostly-defunct blog are worthless.  Trying to have a new positive outlook doesn't change my workload or deadlines or magically reduce my stress-level.  It doesn't make me weigh less or able to run 5 -- hell, 3 -- miles again.  The things that suck, still suck.  I can try to have a new positive attitude, and I know from trying before that it will last only day...if that.  My only hope for making this year a better one is to actually take actions to do the things that will make me feel better about myself.

Run the miles.

Lose the weight.

Re-engage with the friends and loved ones I've neglected.

Don't have another lost year.

"We're from Philadelphia and we fight."
                                        - Chip Kelly, Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles
 

Too Busy to Run (Again)

("run less, feed moar" says Pooka.)

I'm still in a little bit of a running funk right now.  Real life is kicking my butt lately and I think the really tough month of work ahead will make it hard to get the miles in that I would like to in June.  School's out soon, so that means my normal routes starting from the high school become less-trafficked to run in the morning.  Great, but it's hard to get up and run in the morning if I'm up working till 2am the night before.

That's what happened this week.  I ran 5 miles on Monday morning, the miles I'd gotten in after my zero-mile week, and then work just took over my whole week again and I didn't run again until a hilly 6-miler this morning.  

I know my job is more important than running, at least until I start winning big races and taking home huge cash prizes and racking up sponsorships and endorsements.  So yeah, my job will always be more important than running.  And luckily, I'm better at it.  I'm sure with harder training I could be much faster than I am.  I think I could even get to Boston.  I don't think there's a chance in hell that I could be fast enough to earn a living as a runner.  I'm mediocre-to-good now and could probably train myself up to above average at best, which is not going to win lots of big races.  I've been told I'm very, very good or even great at my job.


But still...running IS important and I need to make time for it.  I spend hours every day (and well into the night, lately) sitting and staring at my computer screen while I write very very very very very very important things!!!!  (Not this blog!)  While I do so, I probably snack more than I should, especially when I'm stressed.  If I want to avoid looking like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons (Worst. Character. Ever.), I need to keep pounding the pavement and get back in the weight room.


I also need the stress-relief that it brings.  I think I started running to drop a few pounds and get in better shape.  Now, I run to keep out the darkness -- to fight stress and feel better about myself.  When every workday is a quagmire of ASAP deliverables, my stress level goes through the roof.  I need that 30-60 minutes where I can turn my brain off, listen to crappy punk rock, and not be able to do a thing about any of my projects.  And even though I think I'm very, very good at what I do, it still stresses me out, and I've found that running's given me something outside that arena to be proud of myself for.  "Yeah, but I ran (insert number of miles here) this morning."

I've rambled long enough.  I need to do better and here is my goal:  Counting a week from Monday to Sunday, like dailymile, I am going to run 15 miles next week and 20 miles every other week in June.  I don't care if I'm running them at 3am or in the hottest part of the day, I will get those miles in.  I'm not going to be able drop 100-mile months all summer like I did last year, but I think I can do a better in my road back to being at least the runner that I was a year ago.

Friday Haiku, Vo -- Oh crap. I just don't feel like it.

It's been a really bad week of running. I ran 4 miles on Tuesday, despite a lingering calf soreness from my 18-miler. That's it. I was going to go out tonight, probably just for another 4, but I just didn't feel like driving over the school and jogging around Manchester with my head lamp at 9:30 or 10:00 at night. At around 10:00, I worked up enough will power to hop on the treadmill, but my stomach just didn't feel well.

I'm supposed to run 19 miles on Saturday. I think I can do it. I'm just having somewhat of a crisis of motivation right now. It's been a very stressful week, and instead of being relaxing, running just seemed like something that I had to do. I've got to start getting up early and going before work, or before dinner, because I think the motivation to go out late at night, which was fun after not doing so since the spring, just isn't going to be there.

Throwback

It's been a long week. I know it's only Tuesday (well, Wednesday morning now technically), but it's been a long week. Despite feeling like crap for most of the day and despite -- but also because of -- a very stressful two days of work, I had the great idea of trying to get my Tuesday four miler -- just like Hal Higdon wants -- in at 11:00pm. My resolve wavered as I got ready...I just didn't feel up to it. But I decided I'd feel better about myself if I at least tried. Turned out to be a great idea.

Since it was shorter than my usual distance, I set out without my hydration belt. No water, orange Gatorade, or Sports Beans. I also decided I was going to run it as fast as I could.

It turned out to be 4 miles in 35:22, an 8:50/mile pace. Not as low as I'd like to be for a 5K, but considerably better than the last time I recall going out with the goal of running 4 and keeping my pace under 9:00, which was a lunchtime run back in January, before my IT band trouble.

More importantly, though, this was fun. It was nice to have a run that was over in under 40 minutes, rather than over an hour and a half. It was enjoyable to just turn my brain off and focus on running as fast as I could, rather than worrying about pacing myself for the long haul. It was a throwback to the summer of 2008, when all I did was two laps around Cousler Park several times a week and try to break my personal records.

I've longer distances than I ever thought I'd attempt back then; I'm proud of that and have no plans stop running longer races, but I do think that summer was when running was the most purely fun.

Every week in my marathon training, I've got runs on Tuesday and Thursday that don't ever get longer than 5 miles. I admit, I really don't care that much about how fast I run the marathon. I think just by getting in more 20-milers in training I'll be better conditioned and between that and smarter pacing early in the race, I can shave off a decent amount of time. I'm not that worried about tempo runs or speedwork (Novice 2 doesn't have speedwork, anyway). But I think I'll take one of those short runs every week and just go as fast as I can.