Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Never, Never Feed Him After Midnight

My goal leading up to the marathon is to focus on getting in consistent runs during the week. I got off to a good start with a 4-mile hill workout on Monday. I would have done another "lap" (Down into Mt Wolf, up the hill to the park, back down into the valley and up toward Manchester), but 1) my legs were still really exhausted from Saturday, and 2) it started to pour.

I had the best of intentions yesterday, looking forward to 5 or 6 miles after a very bad day of work. But, as the day wore on, I started feeling worse and worse. Sore throat, runny nose, headache. I took the night off, and will probably end up at the doctor's office at some point today.

At any rate, I ended up spending the evening lying on the couch watching Gremlins, which was exactly kind of stupid movie my fever-addled brain could handle.

When I was seven years old, Gremlins was terrifying. I loved it -- I had a stuffed Gizmo, a plastic gremlin, and all of the booklets that Burger King gave away -- but it was scary. At 35, Gremlins is more of slapstick comedy, albeit kind a disgusting one (such the scene in which Billy's Mom uses the Peltzer Peeler-Juicer and the microwave to take out two of the gremlins).

Even in its entertaining cheesiness, Gremlins made my head hurt. Everyone knows there are three rules to keeping a mogwai:

First of all, keep him out of the light, he hates bright light, especially sunlight, it'll kill him. Second, don't give him any water, not even to drink. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never feed him after midnight.
The first two rules make sense. I'll suspend my disbelief and accept the existence of a cute, magical creature that's killed by sunlight and multiplies when it touches water. (It's only water -- so a mogwai could use sports drinks to stay hydrated on his long runs.)

It's the third and most important rule that is the problem. By what standard is "after midnight" defined? Gizmo does not appear to wear a watch. And what happens if you cross time zones? Let's say it's after midnight, but you're near the time zone line, heading westward. You cross the line and it's before midnight. Can I feed Gizmo now? This is certainly a plausible scenario - Gizmo was acquired in New York City by Rand Peltzer of Kingston Falls, NY. But if what if he was instead purchased by an inventor heading home to, say, Hobart, IN?

Or, what if Gizmo finishes his midnight snack at 11:57, but is still digesting it well after midnight? Would our cuddly pal still be around in the morning, or would I have a giant slimy cocoon?

These questions need answers. We've seen what Gremlins can do to a town.

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